1 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:06,840 - Are you working here? - Yes. 2 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,160 I work for a U.S. advertising firm, 3 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:10,120 and I'm opening a London office. 4 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:11,760 This is Fran. She's an old pal. 5 00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:13,480 Great to meet you, Rob. 6 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:15,120 My guru Allan, 7 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:17,240 he cured himself of prostate cancer 8 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:18,600 last year with walnuts. 9 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,760 What did he do, jam them up his asshole? 10 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:22,600 - I think you should leave! - I have cancer. 11 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:26,160 Hey. 12 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:28,960 Hey, you awake? 13 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,680 Uh-uh. 14 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:32,640 Can I talk to you? 15 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:33,720 Okay. 16 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:35,200 Can you open your eyes? 17 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,720 Listen, I know it's hard when you can't sleep, 18 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:41,640 but I was asleep, and don't you think it's good if one of us sleeps? 19 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:44,080 No. I think it's good if you make me feel better 20 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:45,360 and then both of us sleep. 21 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,560 I don't agree, but okay. 22 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,520 I keep getting very horny and very depressed 23 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,800 at the exact same moment. It's awful. 24 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,480 That sounds like hormones. 25 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,200 What if something happens to the baby? 26 00:00:58,240 --> 00:00:59,640 Nothing's going to happen to the baby. 27 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,120 What if he has a weird-shaped head? 28 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:02,520 What if he needs to wear one of those special helmets? 29 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:05,440 You should be thankful they even do helmets now. 30 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:08,000 In the old days, if your baby had a weird-shaped head, 31 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:10,000 he just grew into a man with a weird-shaped head. 32 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,400 What if you die? 33 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,400 I had a full checkup right before I came over here. 34 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:14,520 Do you have life insurance? 35 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:16,240 No, but I'll get some. 36 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,520 We'll get you life insurance, too. 37 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:19,560 Okay. 38 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,880 Not too big a policy for me, though. 39 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:24,440 I don't want you to murder me to get the money. 40 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:25,800 I'm not going to murder you. 41 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:27,400 And when women get murdered, 42 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,560 it's 85% of the time their husband that did it. 43 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,360 They'd totally know it was me. 44 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,400 Even if I wanted to kill you, I wouldn't kill you 45 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:34,560 or have you killed. 46 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:35,760 I won't kill you, either. 47 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,040 Thanks, honey. 48 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,120 I keep getting this recurring vision 49 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,000 that I'm in a restaurant and I have to go to the loo 50 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,160 but I take the wrong turn and I walk into the kitchen 51 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,680 where an Italian chef is talking and gesticulating 52 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,080 and the knife he's holding stops me and the baby... 53 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,920 you know, because Italian people talk with their hands. 54 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,400 Anything else? 55 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:54,720 Yes. 56 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,200 The world is a toilet. 57 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,840 You know, we might not kill each other. 58 00:01:57,880 --> 00:01:59,760 but that doesn't mean terrorists won't 59 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:01,680 or that your government won't start another war tomorrow 60 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:03,120 just fucking because. 61 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:04,960 Well, you can't worry about everything. 62 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,520 I mean, there's just too much. 63 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,680 You know, there's Ebola and global warming-- 64 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,160 Well, I'm worrying about all that, too. 65 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:11,600 Well, we'll be fine, 66 00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:14,040 but you know who global warming will kill 67 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:15,400 in our lifetime? 68 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,400 Bangladeshis. 69 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:19,280 Just millions of Bangladeshis. 70 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:20,800 And who gives a shit about them? 71 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:22,280 I mean, why can't there be, like, 72 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,480 an airborne gout that just kills rich people? 73 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,040 I'd like to wake up to news 74 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,720 that Monaco had been wiped out 75 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,400 by an avalanche of poorly built palaces. 76 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,640 I think we're getting a little bit off-- 77 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,080 And do you know what percentage 78 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:33,760 of greenhouse gases Bangladesh produces? 79 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:35,960 - No. - Roughly zero, okay? 80 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,280 But Bangladesh is being eaten by the ocean 81 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,320 while we drive Range Rovers to the mall 82 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,880 to buy underpants that were stitched 83 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,320 by a 7-year-old who literally in 2015 84 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:45,520 is an indentured servant. 85 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,080 Let's just say slave, okay? 86 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,000 Because their life is shit in a ditch. 87 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,960 It's not even shit in a toilet. 88 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,680 Yeah, well, it won't get fixed 89 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,520 by some whining idiot lying in bed 90 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,480 lecturing a pregnant woman, will it? 91 00:02:58,440 --> 00:02:59,760 Night-night. 92 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,480 Yeah, sleep tight, asshole. 93 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,040 Hello. This Rob? 94 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,760 Hey, Tony. How you doing? 95 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,720 Okay. So how's things in London town? 96 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,360 Really great. Really working out. 97 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:21,680 Are Greg and Mark joining us? 98 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:23,200 Yeah, I'm here. 99 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,280 I had to sneak off for a call with the Crocs guys. 100 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,320 Sounds to me like they're having trouble maintaining Europe, 101 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,200 and I'm like, "Baby, that's because 102 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,800 "European people aren't exclusively fat idiots 103 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,080 who wear Day-Glo rubber clogs," you know? 104 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,360 They have fat idiots here. 105 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:38,560 Less, though, right? 106 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,520 Yeah, in general. Yeah, Rob, 107 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,120 got a bit of an echo there. 108 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:43,880 Could you move closer to the speaker phone? 109 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:44,920 Oh, yeah. Sorry. 110 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:48,880 Is Greg going to join us? 111 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:50,040 Uh, no, he isn't. 112 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,800 Listen, Rob, you sitting down? 113 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,240 Yes. 114 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,560 Greg had a stroke Friday night, 115 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:57,920 a pretty bad one, man. 116 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,000 - He's in a coma. - Oh, my God. 117 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,200 Is Ellen okay? 118 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,240 Not really. 119 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,280 It's pretty fucked up. 120 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,320 Christ. 121 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:05,560 Just so awful. 122 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:07,000 Listen, I hate to shift gears so abruptly, 123 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:08,160 but can we get an update 124 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:09,400 on what's shaking out over there? 125 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,760 It would be great to get a clearer idea 126 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,280 of what you've been doing. 127 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:14,520 You're making inroads. 128 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:16,720 Oh, yeah, inroads, a lot. 129 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,480 I mean, there's Jeff's Cola, 130 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:21,920 which it looks like the supermarket chain Lidl 131 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,560 are very keen to get behind. 132 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:26,880 So that's Jeff's. 133 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,520 Uh, I'm just opening a spreadsheet. 134 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,800 Last week I met with, um... 135 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:40,920 uh, Hanley's. 136 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,080 They- They make pants for 137 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:45,040 women who cook a lot. 138 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:46,480 Chef women. 139 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,920 They make women's chef's pants. 140 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,640 Oh. So what kind of budget they got? 141 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,280 It's such a great product 142 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,040 that, really, the sky's the limit. 143 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,440 Man, Greg. 144 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,200 Yeah. Just awful. 145 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:04,360 Let's circle back next week. 146 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,320 I know Greg hated conference calls. 147 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:07,880 Just want to make sure that you don't forget about us 148 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:08,960 and become a beef sweeper. 149 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,680 Do you mean a Beefeater? 150 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:13,080 Yeah. Take it easy, buddy. 151 00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:15,440 Okay. Thanks. Bye. 152 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:17,080 Yeah. Bye. 153 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:20,200 How was your conference call? 154 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,000 It was tough. One of the partners had a stroke. 155 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:24,480 They still made him do the call? 156 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,320 Good one. Good stroke joke. 157 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,400 Well, I still have a job, which is a minor miracle. 158 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:32,920 They sort of implied I need to up my game 159 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,800 if I want them to keep funding my London office, though. 160 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,880 Don't you own part of the company? 161 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,000 That's what you told me the first night you met me, 162 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,760 unless you were lying to get into my knickers. 163 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,880 I own 2 1/2% of it, so not lying. 164 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:48,120 And I seem to recall you saying you had a Ph.D. 165 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,720 Well, I-- I almost had half of one. 166 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,560 And that you're a published writer. 167 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,840 Anyway, up your game, like the guy said. 168 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,800 Smarten up your act. You know, 169 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,000 maybe buy a suit with normal-length arms. 170 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,520 You're in London now. 171 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,520 Do you think Clive Owen would wear that? 172 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,400 I don't know. Would Kate Winslet wear 173 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:14,320 a boy's yellow tweed fucking smoking jacket? 174 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,760 I mean, what is that? 175 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,080 That looks okay. 176 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:29,560 Do you see the one on the mannequin over there? 177 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,440 - Yes. - That little one like that? 178 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:32,880 - Yes. - It doesn't match 179 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,840 with that tie thing that's over there. 180 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,760 - Have you got any gray shirts? - No gray. 181 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,360 Why have you not got any gray? What is wrong? 182 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,320 Really, do you think so? 183 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,240 See, I think it's a neutral palette. 184 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,360 Whoa! I'm sorry. 185 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,760 Well, fuck me. 186 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:48,440 Hey, Chris. 187 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,560 Look, I'll step out, and-- 188 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:52,920 Don't be daft. Fran's out there. 189 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,480 I know. That's why I ran in here. 190 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:59,080 You scared of my sweet little bride? 191 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:00,680 No. I-- I just-- 192 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,280 Oh, there's no shame in it. 193 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,080 Well, for you. 194 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,880 So... 195 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,640 how are things treating you? You settling in okay? 196 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,400 Yeah. Work is tough. 197 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,160 I don't know anybody except for Sharon 198 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:17,440 and this one guy Dave. 199 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,120 We should go for a drink some time, 200 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:20,080 catch a movie. 201 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,560 I don't want you to be lonely. 202 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,840 Yeah. Okay. Sure. 203 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,240 Um, hey, what about Fran? 204 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:29,680 Would Fran be okay with that? 205 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,480 No, she can't stand you. 206 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,480 She hasn't been able to enjoy an episode of Mad Men 207 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,840 since that night because you remind her of Harry. 208 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,080 Harry? Are you sure she said Harry? 209 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:39,600 I mean, didn't she mean Don-- 210 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,080 How are those trousers, love? 211 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:45,000 Yeah, they're a little bit short, sweetheart. 212 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,240 Would you mind just grabbing me one size up? 213 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,600 - Okay. - Thanks. 214 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,680 Call me. 215 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,160 - No word to the wives. - Oh, shit, no. 216 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,000 Take a left out of here, two rights. 217 00:07:58,040 --> 00:07:59,960 Then you'll be in lingerie. You'll be safe there. 218 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,320 Go now. Go. 219 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,160 Get out of here. 220 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,480 You get out of here. 221 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,920 I don't believe it. 222 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,440 How are you? 223 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,840 I'm great, thanks. How are you? 224 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,120 Fine. 225 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,840 I mean, I'm in shock right now, but good. 226 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:37,360 Yeah. 227 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:38,480 What are you doing in my bookstore? 228 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,240 What, you bought Archie's? 229 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:42,640 No. 230 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,040 - It's just nuts. - Uh-huh. 231 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:48,200 What's new with you? Are you still doing your Ph.D.? 232 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:49,880 - No. - Oh. 233 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,040 Nothing's new with me. 234 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,320 What's new with you? 235 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,680 A lot. Yeah. I mean, four years. 236 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:57,400 A lot can-- 237 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,080 Listen, I'm late to meet a person for lunch. 238 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,520 You're having lunch with a person? 239 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:02,000 Yeah. But would you let me 240 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:03,840 buy you a cup of coffee some time? 241 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,560 I don't drink coffee anymore. 242 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,840 Oh. Okay. Um, maybe we could get something to eat. 243 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:10,520 Do you eat food anymore? 244 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,240 All the time. Every meal. 245 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,640 Well, great. Then we can really catch up. 246 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,200 - Yeah. - I'll call you tomorrow. 247 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:17,560 - Okay. - Okay. 248 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,360 Great. Great. 249 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,560 - Oh. - Ha. 250 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,080 - Yeah. - Okay, then. 251 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:27,240 - Bye. - Bye. 252 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,160 Oh, shit. 253 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:40,040 Sharon! 254 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,160 Fran. 255 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,560 Hi. I-- I didn't-- 256 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:47,240 - How are you? - Very well, thank you. 257 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,920 Oh, I haven't seen you since the-- 258 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,080 Oh, well, you know, water under the bridge now. 259 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,560 - Is it? - It is. 260 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,320 Oh. Well, you look great with the-- 261 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:57,920 I hope I do. 262 00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,680 I just spent a minor fortune 263 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,000 on a three-week rejuvenation retreat in Turks and Caicos. 264 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:03,480 Really? 265 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,080 How are things with you? 266 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,000 Oh. Fine. You know, still riddled with pre-cancer, 267 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,600 but the doctor says I'm probably just going to blow it all out 268 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:12,760 during the trauma of childbirth, so that's-- 269 00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,680 that's a turn-up for the books. 270 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,760 Yeah. 271 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,400 Uh, how's old Jeffrey? 272 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,320 Jeffrey? Oh, Jeffrey's wonderful. 273 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:20,640 Aw. 274 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,320 He started in a new series for ITV1. 275 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,480 It's an adaptation of the Knights of Dorianbooks. 276 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:25,960 Oh, God. 277 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,320 Sorry? 278 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,040 Oh. Sorry. No, I'm-- That's great. 279 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,480 I just, uh, I hate those books. 280 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:33,760 They're so shit, aren't they? 281 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,840 No. No. I do not think they are shit. 282 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,560 Well, I'm not saying the series will-- will be shit. 283 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,320 I just-- just the books. 284 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:45,520 And Chris, how's he? 285 00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:47,280 Chris is great. 286 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:52,800 I just bumped into Fran. 287 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,240 - Really? - Yeah. 288 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:55,560 You didn't see her? 289 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:56,920 No. Wow. 290 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,360 Did you get your new image? 291 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,080 I did. Did you get your book? 292 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,360 Yep. Shall we skedaddle? 293 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:03,600 - Yeah. - Okay. 294 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:10,440 Ugh. 295 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,480 Wizards of fucking yore. 296 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,160 - Hey. - Hi. 297 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,520 Hi. 298 00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:24,680 Mm. 299 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,240 You okay? 300 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:29,400 Yeah. I just heard a lot of no thank yous today. 301 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:32,000 But they're so polite, you think you're hearing yeses 302 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:33,720 until you replay it in your mind. 303 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,720 And you know what? It's fucking rude to be that polite. 304 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,440 - Do you want a tea? - Yeah, sure. 305 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,000 How was school? 306 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,160 Kept getting that weird feeling 307 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,920 like I might cry or come. 308 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,400 I had to go to the bathroom and have a, you know, 309 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,440 have a wank by myself. 310 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,440 It was awful. I mean, it was horrible. 311 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,120 Do you want to talk about it? 312 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,400 I don't know. I can't work out 313 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,000 whether it's hormonal or-- or mental. 314 00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,400 No, I mean, 315 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,160 do you want to tell me how you masturbated? 316 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,440 Like, did you use both hands? 317 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,400 Are you 14? 318 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:07,040 Hey. Do you still have that feeling? 319 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:10,000 Yeah, but, I mean, it's always there a bit. 320 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,320 Well, the good news is right before I came into the flat, 321 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,120 this woman was bending over to pick up her garbage cans, 322 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,960 and I saw both her complete full breasts, 323 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,480 so if you hadn't been home, 324 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,440 I was going to have to jerk off. But since you are-- 325 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:23,080 You know what? It's passed. 326 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,800 Oh, it's Dave, that prick. 327 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,240 Oh. 328 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,920 I'm just going to-- 329 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,280 Sure, Johnny One Mate. 330 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,000 Yeah, I don't envy you 331 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:39,800 having to build a book of business in a new country. 332 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,080 It's a nightmare. 333 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,520 Why don't you use this as an opportunity 334 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:44,920 to start over? 335 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,400 Fuck advertising. It's for ball bags. 336 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:48,880 What do you really want to do? 337 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,760 What's your passion? 338 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,040 I-- I don't know that I-- 339 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:53,280 Come on. Dream job. 340 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,960 I love big animals. 341 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,880 Big animal lover. What does that pay? 342 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,880 No, no. I mean, I wanted to be a large animal vet 343 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,880 when I was younger. I started school to do that, 344 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,720 but then my cousin Brian started working for an ad company. 345 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:09,560 Pretty soon he had a Ferrari, 346 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,040 and he was dating a figure skater. 347 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:13,760 Listen, do it. Be a large animal vet. 348 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,360 - Go for it. - Yeah? 349 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,080 Absolutely. Seize the day. 350 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,720 Right. What are we seeing? 351 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,880 Oh, so I got us tickets for, uh, 352 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:25,600 The Emancipation of Flyburton Crisp. 353 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:26,640 What? 354 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,120 It's the new Wes Anderson. 355 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,200 No. 356 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,720 No? 357 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,600 Just no? 358 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:33,840 Just no. What else? 359 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,280 Well, we could see that Adam Sandler movie. 360 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:37,920 It starts at 8:10. 361 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:38,960 Let's go. 362 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,760 And a pack of Biros. 363 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,360 Sorry. Excuse me. 364 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:38,360 Yes? 365 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:39,480 Could you just 366 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:41,120 keep it down on-- on the keyboard? 367 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:42,400 Sorry? 368 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,080 It's just you're banging away there 369 00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:45,760 like bash, bash, bash, bash, 370 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,640 like you're self-harming your fingers or something. 371 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,840 I can't hear myself think. 372 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,240 Jesus. 373 00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:09,200 Hey. Can I ask you something? 374 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,520 Would it really matter 375 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:14,160 if I couldn't make the business work here? 376 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,200 - Yeah. - I mean, it's-- 377 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:16,960 Well, hang on. 378 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,400 And instead I went back and finished my degree 379 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,960 and got into veterinary school 380 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,520 and then hopefully in a couple of years 381 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:25,760 got a junior position, you know, at a zoo? 382 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,160 - Yeah. - Yeah what? 383 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,160 Yeah, it would matter. 384 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:34,360 Well, I guess it's back to women chef's pants tomorrow. 385 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,160 Aw, poor you. 386 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,720 Are you realizing how shit it is 387 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,440 being an adult with responsibilities? 388 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:43,600 All your dreams just-- "Oh, no, my dreams!" 389 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,040 You know, you say a lot of shit to me, 390 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,520 and I let you because you're pregnant, 391 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,160 but just so you know, after you have that baby, 392 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,240 I'm going be a fucking asshole to you. 393 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,080 Thanks for the heads-up. 394 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,360 Dave wants to take me to the launch 395 00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,080 of a new restaurant his friend's opening. 396 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,440 When? 397 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:02,520 Tomorrow night. 398 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,400 Tomorrow night? Sure. 399 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:25,840 Hey! 400 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:28,360 You look great. 401 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,800 So do you. 402 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,400 You haven't aged. 403 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:35,720 What, since Saturday? 404 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:39,280 Well, no, since we-- you know. 405 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,000 It's horrible. You look the same, 406 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:44,920 and now I'm just this middle-aged-looking person. 407 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:53,280 Uh, can I-- Is there-- Where's the loo? 408 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,880 Um, it's-- I think-- 409 00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:57,880 Fine. I'll-- 410 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,600 If you'd told me I'd be sitting opposite you, 411 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:07,680 - having a friendly-- - I know. 412 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,240 It's good, though. 413 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,040 Yeah, I mean, when you dumped me, I was like, "Oh!" 414 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,920 Aw. 415 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,440 But then you realized your mistake and wanted to get back, 416 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:18,120 but I was already with-- 417 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,360 Oh. 418 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,680 I think I was drunk. 419 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,400 Drunk for three months? 420 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,600 Ha. 421 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,600 But it's so great to see you. 422 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:27,920 What's going on? 423 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,520 Just all sorts. 424 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:31,800 You know, nothing. 425 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:34,200 It's complicated. You? 426 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:35,600 Well, I'm still with Gina. 427 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,040 Really? 428 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:41,400 Yeah. She's pregnant, actually. 429 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,840 Wow. I'm pregnant too. 430 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,080 - Really? - Yeah. 431 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,280 - Yeah. - Wow. 432 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:51,400 - You didn't say. - Well, I just-- I forgot. 433 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:52,720 Uh, I'm pregnant. 434 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,320 Four months, by my fiancé Rob. 435 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:58,920 He's a successful American. 6'4". 436 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,800 - You're still drinking? - It's fine. 437 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,000 The new thing is it's okay to drink. 438 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,520 A bit. 439 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,560 French women do it, and look at them. 440 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,280 Mm, Gina said that she read 441 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:12,000 that even a sip of alcohol could be potentially harmful. 442 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,520 Gina obviously doesn't know the pregnant wine score. 443 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,480 Mm. 444 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,360 I can't believe you're still with Gina Randolph. 445 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,560 I mean, no one thought that would last. 446 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,480 She was always just so much more-- 447 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:29,080 just everything-- than you-- successful. 448 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:31,200 Just better. 449 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:34,120 Well, I'll take that as a compliment. 450 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,160 Are you sure you're still with her? 451 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,440 Yeah. We're solid. 452 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,360 She's due in February, 453 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,000 same month the new book's out. 454 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,600 Is it another of the... 455 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,280 - Knights of Dorian? - Yeah. 456 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:46,440 Oh, the ones for kids? 457 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:47,800 For young adults. 458 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,120 I still write. 459 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:53,320 Well, good. 460 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:55,280 You were always funny. 461 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,520 Argh! 462 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:09,120 I had a really good time tonight. 463 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:12,040 You don't say that to a man unless you want to kiss him. 464 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:13,360 Do you want to kiss me now? 465 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,720 No, I do not. 466 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,800 Great. I'm off. 467 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:20,040 Hey, man, can I ask you a question? 468 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:23,520 When Fran was pregnant, did she ever sort of rocket 469 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:26,960 between being really horny and really sad? 470 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,960 No, Fran would get horny and hungry at the same time. 471 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,840 One night she made me fuck her in her parents' kitchen, 472 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,800 and I'm not shitting you here, 473 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:39,280 she finished off a plate of stew while I was inside her. 474 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,600 Wow. 475 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:43,920 Game of squash next week? 476 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,800 Sure. 477 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,200 Wear those little shorts I like. 478 00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:01,720 You have aged, badly. 479 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,960 Hey. You okay? 480 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,320 What's up? 481 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,920 What have I done with my life? 482 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,480 - What have I achieved? - You've achieved plenty. 483 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,800 Why am even I asking you? You barely know me. 484 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,600 - Well-- - I haven't achieved shit. 485 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,280 And now I'm going to be a mother, 486 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,360 it'll be even less than shit. It'll be minus shit. 487 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,440 My son will be embarrassed at me. 488 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,440 What's that? 489 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:29,640 It's just-- It's just writing. 490 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,520 I used to write. 491 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,760 I had a letter published in The Timesonce. 492 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,160 Then someone wrote a letter about my letter the next week. 493 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,240 It was that good. 494 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:38,720 That's great, honey. 495 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:39,880 May I take a look? 496 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,040 No. 497 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,360 - Come on. - No! 498 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,560 Get off! No, get off! 499 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:46,880 Just get-- 500 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,120 You're really funny. 501 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,000 This is good. 502 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,120 Not as good as Gina "Elf Fucker" Randolph, though. 503 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,760 The Knights of Dorianlady? 504 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,600 Who gives a shit about her? 505 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,440 Just a few million zitty teenagers. 506 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,160 What about all the zitty teenagers who love you? 507 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,440 What about the letters on the fridge from your students? 508 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:07,840 They're insane about you. 509 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:10,920 I almost cried reading some of these. 510 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,280 When you go to work 511 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,360 and you prod some snot-faced little kid 512 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,200 into using his imagination 513 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,840 or show them he can use a book 514 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,720 to escape his shitty life instead of meth, 515 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,680 that's massive. 516 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:23,760 We don't really have meth here. 517 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,320 You will one day, 518 00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:27,200 and your students won't do it 519 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:28,800 because you inspired them 520 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,080 to become archaeologists or brain surgeons. 521 00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:32,640 Well, not that one. 522 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,080 I mean, he's a nice lad, but I won't go into it. 523 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,600 You're so nice to me. 524 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,200 And I was so mean about your zookeeper dream. 525 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,720 I went to dinner with my ex-boyfriend tonight. 526 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,440 Oh? Why? Do you still like him? 527 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,280 Oh. No, he's awful. 528 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,920 I-- I wanted him to still like me, though. 529 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,520 Isn't that sad? 530 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:56,760 No, I get it. 531 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,240 I have a Facebook account. 532 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:03,480 Listen, I was with Chris tonight, 533 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:04,600 not Dave. 534 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,520 I've been on two dates with him. 535 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:08,400 I'm sorry. We kept it secret 536 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:09,960 because he didn't want Fran to find out. 537 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,600 Like I'm gonna leap on the phone 538 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,360 and call that cow? 539 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,640 I'm glad I was mean to you about your zoo dream. 540 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:17,000 You're an idiot. 541 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,440 You're right. 542 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:22,720 Oh. 543 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:25,480 Do you feel that? 544 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,200 Is he kicking? 545 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,880 No, he just did a little fart. 546 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:31,400 And you can feel that? 547 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,400 Oh. Oh! 548 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:34,520 - I'm sorry. - Ohh! 549 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,600 It was the baby. No, I'm sorry. 550 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:39,000 I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. 551 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,280 What if there's a 9/11 at my school? 552 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:44,520 Why would there be a 9/11 at your school? 553 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:46,920 I don't know. Will you have sex with me? 554 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,800 - Well, why don't we just-- - No, I want to. 555 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:50,640 - I need it. - But you're crying. 556 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:52,320 It's fine. 557 00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,200 I don't want to have sex with a crying woman. 558 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:55,720 Really? 559 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,960 No, I'll do it, but get it together. 560 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:02,240 What if my womb prolapses after the birth 561 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,280 and I can't wear leggings anymore? 562 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:05,760 We'll get you special leggings. 563 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,200 - Yeah? - Yeah. 564 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,120 Okay. 565 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,680 What if my bladder bursts 566 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,320 and every time I need to go for a wee, 567 00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:13,400 it just comes pouring out me like a broken fountain 568 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:14,520 wherever I go? 569 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,760 Adult diapers? 570 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:18,240 Adult diapers. 571 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:19,880 Okay. Adult diapers. 572 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:23,960 It's gone soft. 573 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:25,840 Mm-hmm. 574 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,640 Do you want to watch a Homeland? 575 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:30,880 Sure.